Myth 18 - MythChief Read online

  “What the Netherhells?” Narwickius said. “I agree. You're on. Come on, men!”

  He pushed past me and up the stairs. In a moment, we heard them rummaging around upstairs. Plenty of swear-​ing floated down the stairs to our ears, along with swishing as they kicked their way through the piles of Triple-​D maps. One of the Titan oafs stayed at the foot of the stairs. He faced us, arms crossed

  on his enormous chest. The Vipe wizardess curled herself onto one of the steps and stared at us with unblinking eyes.

  “Now, what?” Marmel whispered.

  “We wait,” I said. I retrieved the wine and took a sip. “Very nice, Marmilda. Usually Imp wines are too sour for my taste. Is this from the Hoho Jug?”

  “No,” the Imp woman said, frowning. “I ran it through one of our best wolidgins. It translates everything, not just language. The wolidgin translated Imper wine into Klah-​dish. You're Skeeve the Magnificent, and you don't know that?”

  Behind her, my friends were grinning at me over her head.

  “I don't know everything,” I said, feeling my cheeks redden. “I just figure that I can find out anything, given enough time and resources.”

  “But what about Narwickius?” Marmel said, casting a nervous glance at the Vipe wizardess, who eyed us un-​blinkingly from the foot of the stairs.

  “We wait.” I repeated. “How long?”

  “As long as it takes,” I said, allowing myself an evil grin. “You might as well make yourselves comfortable. I think it'll be a while.”

  “I get it,” Guido said, with a grin. “I thought we was headed for one serious throwdown, but this is a more dis-​cretionary form of handlin' the problem. If it works.”

  “It should work,” I said. “I hope.”

  “What is all this junk?” Narwickius bellowed from above. “Just toss that stuff out the window!” We heard a smack, as the casement overhead was thrown open, then a noise like falling snow. Outside the door, showers of paper fluttered down into the street. “Cobrita! Get up here!”

  The wizardess rose from her perch and slithered up-​ward. “It will be a while,” I said cheerfully. “Anyone for a game of Dragon Poker?”

  Myth 18 - MythChief

  NINE

  “Patience is a virtue.” THE CHICAGO CUBS My employer didn't find it easy to endure the hours that followed.

  “How can you sit and ... and play?” Marmel said, pac-​ing around us like a dog on a short leash. “How does that help get rid of him?” He tilted his head toward the stairs and the imperious guard who stood there staring at us.

  “It would help if you could just calm down,” I said. “But he could kill us all!”

  “He won't,” I said. “Not until he gets what he wants, anyhow. Then I think he will leave. He seems pretty goal-​oriented. Three disks. Call.” I tossed in my bet.

  “Elf-​high flush,” Guido said, and spread out his cards. I moaned. With a chuckle he raked in the pot of glass disks, which had been supplied by Marmilda in lieu of coins. We had all agreed not to play for money. I am not and have never claimed to be a great cardplayer, but I enjoy the ca-​maraderie of the game. In fact, I realized, as I threw my hand in in surrender, that I had missed my friends more than I realized. It was good to be backonly I wasn't back. This detente was temporary. We'd go back to our separate businesses when all this was over. I felt my heart sink into my belly. If only I had been able to find Aahz and ask him the best way to reintroduce myself to the business. I hoped the Duchess was all right. She was eccentric with a capital “ECCENTRIC,” but she was Aahz's mother, and what hurt him hurt me.

  “My deal,” Chumley growled, holding out an enormous purple hand for the deck. “Nah, it's Tuesday. The dealin' reverses itself every sev-​enth hand.”

  “Wha? Okay.” For the sake of our company the Troll pretended to be confused about the rules. The look of puz-​zlement on his face was so convincing I nearly broke down and explained it to him. I stopped myself before I made a fool of myself again. He was generally the one who re-​minded us of the subtleties of Dragon Poker during our friendly games. It had been too long.

  I felt eyes on my cards, and looked up. Marmel hovered at my elbow. The Imp wound his hands together ner-​vously.

  “Are you all right?” I asked. “What if he comes down again?” Marmel asked. “He won't,” I assured him. “We made a deal. He's going to look. We'll wait.” “Are you sure?”

  “I am sure,” I said. “I gave him my word.”

  “Yeah, he's the Great Skeeve, remember?” Guido said. “You gonna bid or just shop?”

  “Uh, I'll bid,” I said. “Three coins.”

  “Yeah, Narwickius wouldn't dare do anything,” Marmel said. “That's right. You're the most powerful wizard in the world, right?”

  “Nah,” Guido said. “Crunch, you in?” “Fold,” the Troll growled. “Raise,” Guido said. “You're bluffing.”

  “Call me and see,” the enforcer said, with a grin.

  “Yeah,” Marmel said again. “I shouldn't have anything to be afraid of. No!” He shouldered up to the Titan at the bottom of the stairs. “You wouldn't have the GUTS to take on the Great Skeeve, would you? Big guy? Tough guy?” He punctuated every word with a poke of his bony pink forefinger. “Huh? Huh?”

  The Titan growled low in his throat. “Marmel?” I called.

  “Yeah, Skeeve?”

  “Did you hire me to help you find your inheritance, or not?”

  “That's exactly why I hired you!” Marmel said.

  “Well, then, did you buy the insurance rider against grievous bodily harm? Because I don't remember signing up to fight Titan bodyguards when we discussed the con-​tract.”

  The Titan grinned down at him, silver-​white teeth gleaming. “Uh, no ...” Marmel said.

  “Then maybe you ought to say 'excuse me' to the nice, big Titan and come over here before you have an accident?”

  Marmel didn't need long to assess the situation. The forefinger retracted into his fist, and he backed away three steps. “Sorry, Mr. Titan, sir.”

  The bodyguard showed his big, square teeth. “No prob-​lem, squirt. Boo!”

  Marmel jumped. He scurried away from the staircase and cowered in the corner of the room farthest from it. I sighed and shuffled my hand facedown.

  “I hope Tananda's all right,” I said, staring upward. She had not yet revealed herself, but I knew she was keeping an eye on things.

  “She's fine,” Guido said. “Watch the cards. Dis is a little trick I picked up on Taro.”

  He sorted out the Dragon suit from the deck and spread it out on the table. With a wink at me, he waved his hand across them. We waited, as though we were in a seance hoping the ghost of our rich old aunt would communicate the location of her hidden cache of treasure. Suddenly, the deuce, the lowest-​value Dragon card, twitched itself out of the pack. Guido pushed it back.

  “She says 'bupkis,”“ Guido confirmed, in a voice too low for the Titan nearest us to hear. ”They have failed thus far to find anythin'. Private signal. Works real good. Your deal, Skeeve." He gathered up the cards and handed the deck to me.

  I suppose we didn't really need the confirmation. Nar-​wickius would have stopped throwing things out of the window if he had been successful. More objects hit the ground while we waited. Chairs, books, knickknacks of every description precipitated from above like an unusu-​ally heavy rain. Shattered glass filled the street.

  “There go the souvenir shot glasses,” I observed, watch-​ing them tinkle to the pavement.

  The littering had alarmed the residents of Sirecoose, but when a policeman came by to demand it stop, I invited him to go upstairs and reason with the army of Titans on the premises. At die mention of Titans he retreated, never to return.

  Marmel had a hard time with the wait, but the rest of us allowed ourselves cautious enjoyment. Marmilda was a terrific hostess. She kept beverages coming, and at meal-​times brought us food she had cooked herself, then care-​fully tran
slated according to our dimension of origin. She served me a marvelous fish-​and-​potato pie, just like my mother used to make from troutpikes I caught in the brook on my father's farm.

  “I gotta buy me one of dose wolidgins,” Guido said, patting his stomach with satisfaction. “When I remember all the places I been where the food ain't really been to my taste, I could just run it in one end of dese and get a steak dinner out the other end.”

  “We'd make you a very special price,” Marmel said, rubbing his hands together. “I mean, what with the adver-​tising value of being able to say the Great Skeeve uses our product. And his friends,” he added nervously, as Guido shot him a dirty look. I didn't miss it.

  “Good,” Chumley said, carefully extracting a long or-​ange tentacle from between two molars and placing it care-​fully in his dish. “Food good.” He grinned at the two Imps, who backed up a pace. I thought by this time they would be used to him, but a Troll of his size can be daunting.

  “Get them up here!” a voice roared from above. “I think I see a break in the case,” I said, rising to my feet.

  The Titans thundered down the stairs, single file and made for us. Two of them grabbed me by the shoulders, but I was ready for them.

  “Ahhh!” They jumped backward. I grinned. That magikal shocker I had bought in the gag shop worked ev-​ery time.

  “Never lay hands upon the Great Skeeve,” I informed them haughtily. Guido and Chumley shook off their grasp, and the three of us made our way upstairs toward the bel-​lowing Narwickius.

  “What's the holdup?” Narwickius shouted. He came rushing out of the small bedroom, nearly barreling into me. “Where is the Hoho Jug?”

  “I told you, we have no knowledge of its whereabouts,” I said calmly. “The owner passed away without informing his children. I have not seen it, nor have my colleagues. I gave you my word on that.”

  “Aaggh!” Narwickius said, clutching at his hair. He had clearly been tearing out handfuls of it in frustration. I could see silver strands liberally scattered over the waist-​high mounds of junk that literally filled the room.

  The Vipe wizardess had been at work: gone were the Triple-​D maps and the souvenir rock collection from Bezoar. The furniture had largely been reduced to boards and rags. As I watched, she pointed her poison green wand at a heap of brightly colored teddy bears. They vanished with a small explosion.

  Boom!

  “I found another hiding place, great master!” one of the Titans announced, holding up a small, cut-​glass box. I sensed the magik in it. I'd seen its like before. 'No, wait!" I shouted.

  Too late. The big, blue oaf flipped open the lid, and hundreds of spring-​loaded snakes leaped into the air. “Aargh!” Narwickius bellowed, batting at them. He lunged for me and grabbed me by the throat. “Gack!” I choked, as I hung in the air. “Where ... is ... it?” he demanded, shaking me at ev-​ery syllable.

  Guido and Chumley were at my side in a moment, wres-​tling the Titan back. He dropped me. “I don't know,” I gasped out, massaging life back into my neck. "He hid it here somewhere. That's what I

  sur-​mise."

  “I can't stand it!” the Titan exclaimed. He yanked open what seemed like false drawers in the dismantled head-​board, releasing streams of silk scarves, commemorative whisky bottles (full) and rare birds' eggs (empty), leaving us chest high in clutter. “Get rid of this trash!”

  “ Yessss, massster,” the Vipe wizardess said. She pointed the wand.

  Boom! Boom! Boom! I staggered as the mass of junk collectibles vanished. Chumley swooped to keep me up-​right with one massive paw. Narwickius kept pulling down hidden trapdoors, flicking open hatches secreted behind decorative wall plaques, and releasing false bricks in the fireplace. Every one of them catapulted a ton of junk out onto the floor.

  “Find it for me,” the Titan growled. “Then I will leave, maybe even with the rest of you alive!”

  “That wasn't our bargain,” I said, calmly. “You just have to keep looking. If you kill me, it will let loose more magik than you have ever had to deal with in your life. It will follow you no matter what dimension you go to. I will haunt you when you are asleep. I will whisper ugly se-​crets about you to your girlfriends. I'll tell everyone at the poker table that you have a ten-​high nothing in your hand . ..”

  “You're bluffing,” Narwickius said, though he didn't look at all certain. “Try me,” I said, putting up my chin. “I haven't died since . . . gee, last Wednesday, wasn't it, Guido?” “Thursday, Boss,” the enforcer said, with a glint in his eyes.

  The bluff worked. Narwickius spun away. He took out his frustration with me on the room. He pulled down every shelf and threw it on the heap in the middle of the floor. With a mighty wrench, he ripped the mantelpiece off the wall. The objets d'art went flying in every direction. The stuffed squid hit the floor with a wheezing noise.

  “Hoho.”

  Chumley's eyebrows went up, almost hidden in the pur-​ple fur of his face. I signed to him to be calm.

  “Aaaagh!” Narwickius bellowed. “I can't stand it! Are there any more collections?” he asked the Vipe.

  She scanned the room with her wand. “I don't sssee any more, massster.”

  “Do they know of any more?”

  The cold, black eyes swiveled toward us, and the end of the wand leveled at my nose.

  “No,” I said, before the Vipe could discharge magik in my direction. “Neither do my associates. Didn't I give you my word?”

  “What does the word of a Klahd mean to me?” Nar-​wickius demanded. “That means it is out here already!”

  “Or you had her make it vanish already,” I said, tilting my head toward the wizardess. I didn't want him getting any closer to that squid until I could examine it.

  “What?” “Well, you've been having her destroy things in your way,” I said. "Did you check everything before they

  went out? I bet she blew it up right under your nose.“ The Titan's eyes flew wide. ”Never!"

  “Well, it's understandable,” I said. “We're in pretty tight quarters here. You don't want all this stuff underfoot, but I just wonder... did you check ALL of those mamushka dolls before you threw them out? I mean, open every one of them down to the baby in the center? Some of them have maybe thirty layers, like onions .. .”

  Narwickius tore at his hair. “No! No! Not after all these years!” He spun to confront the Vipe. “Did you do it?”

  “I only do what you tell me, massster,” she said, fear showing in her eyes for the first time. She gave me a very dirty look. “Those things were ordinary, with no magik to ssspeak of.”

  “Go find it! Wherever you sent those things, go look!” “As you wisssh,” the Vipe said, sulkily. BAMF! I grinned. My biggest threat had just been defused.

  “Keep looking,” I advised him. “I mean, if you're sure that it's still here ...” I leaned casually on the discarded mantelpiece and surreptitiously shuffled the squid behind it for safekeeping. I presented the Titan with my most in-​nocent expression, all the while casting an illusion over it to make the squid look like one of the hundreds of cos-​tumed teddy bears already on the floor. Without the Vipe there to check it, he'd miss the glamour of magik upon it.

  But I had planted the seeds of doubt. I had to admit I got a kick out of watching Narwickius turn over the thousand and two artifacts scattered everywhere over and over again. He had pulled out almost all his hair.

  Living in the Bazaar for years. I had met some mad col-​lectors, but Narwickius took first prize for obsessiveness. Even someone in search of the last lost Magikal Decoder Ring of Marfus Ayoodi would have given up long ago. Night came and went again. I was hungry, my feet hurt, and I was dying to go find the necessary, but I sensed the end was coming soon.

  Narwickius called all of his men from the floor below. One at a time, the Titans felt around in the safes, caches, and niches. One at a time, they palpated pillows, stuffed toys, and articles of clothing. They shook bottles, emptied
boxes, and turned socks inside out.

  The sun was setting for the second time when Narwick-​ius flopped down on what was left of the old man's mat-​tress.

  “Give up?” I asked pleasantly. “Curse you,” he hissed.

  “We had an agreement. We had every reason to believe that your old rival hid the item you wanted so badly some-​where in here. You have given this place the most thorough search you possibly can. Are you willing to concede it's somewhere else?”

  “You took it,” he gritted. “If I had, would I have spent the last two days helping you look?” I asked.

  “No . . . I. .. you might... I don't know!” Narwickius shouted. “You're confusing me.”

  “Let me help you make the decision, then,” I said, mov-​ing close enough to place a fatherly hand on his shoulder. “Give up.”

  “No! I mean ... I never give up!”

  “But you have already searched everything here,” I said amiably. “What benefit is there in doing it again and again? You were sure you would recognize your prize right away, weren't you?” “Of course!”

  “Well, everyone knows about the great Narwickius's powers of discernment,” I went on smoothly. “If you haven't seen it, then it's not here, is it?”

  “Well, when you put it like that... I suppose ...”

  I could feel Guido and Chumley let out a huge sigh of re-​lief at my back. The Titans, with armloads of Kewpie dolls, sounded just as relieved.

  “Okay, then it's settled,” I said, in a brisk tone, before Narwickius could change his mind. “You're finished look-​ing. You promised once you were satisfied you couldn't find it you'd go. Right? You don't have any more time to waste on one little gizmo, not when there's an estate sale in Warfengang starting in about... five hours.”

  The light went on in the Titan's gray eyes. “What? I know several Fen in Warfengang! Is it Olbius? He was on his last legs when I saw him.”